I’m so turning into a cougar
So I haven’t been on Tumblr in way too long.
To update anyone who cares:
I’m single. I moved out of my parents house and am now living in Howell, NJ, instead of Browns Mills. I am now 20 years old and I am employed full time at a fast-casual restaurant. I am also going on to my second semester in my first year at college. I am going to Brookdale currently. I start the fall semester in early September. I have no idea what I want to do with my life as of yet, so I am basically just getting my gen-ed’s done until I figure something out.
My 20th birthday was awesome. I went to go see the Star Trek movie with my family and the theater had been changed over to like lazy-boy seats and I almost died. Also, I went to PF Changs so uh obviously it was the best day ever. As a gift, my aunt took me shopping.
Also, August should be a very good month for me. I’m taking two weeks off starting on the 22nd and I will be flying into Vancouver, CA. And from there I will be taking a cruise to Alaska. I have always wanted to go to Alaska, literally like since I knew it was even a place. So honestly, I’ve never been so excited about a vacation. Pretty much as soon as I get back from Alaska, I start school.
Earlier I said that I was single. And I mean single with no prospects. My big ex that I wrote about five hundred million times, and I, are very close friends. We do still hook up and that takes care of my physical desires. But other than that, I don’t think I’ve ever been this single. But I’m okay with that. Honestly, it’s letting me focus on myself and things like school and what I want to do, where I want to go from here.
As a whole, things are going pretty well and just figured I’d give a little update on my life since we last spoke. I should be on here a tad bit more now, but who really knows. Haha. Pictures of Alaska soon, hopefully?
Do I look stupid?
Because everyone fucking treats me like I’m stupid. Why?
Thank you for everything you did for me. You were a very strong woman and I am proud to call you my grandmother. You did more for me than my mother ever did, and I will forever be sorry that she forced me to be away from you for so long.
It’s unbelievable. Everythings gone. So many friends, and family members without power… But also without homes.
I went to one of the shelters near by, at Burlington County College. They transported a lot of people from Seaside there. They had a Halloween party for the kids last night. Chris and I brought in a box of bags of candy we prepared and donated it. Its a way to make the best of a terrible situation. There are so many people there, with literally nothing but the clothes on their backs. Many don’t even have other clothes to change into. Especially the children. They’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost four days.
I never thought I’d see the day that the piers would be floating in the ocean or bay. But honestly, I could care less about those landmarks at this point. Many people touch upon the fact that Seaside was a “nice place to visit” But a lot of people lived there. And a lot of people are now without homes. The same goes for Mataloking, parts of Brick, Point Pleasant, parts of Toms River. All these places that I spent extended amounts of time in and they’re all falling apart.
I grew up in Point. I want to go back there and take everything in one last time. But for now, I think I’m going to go back to the shelter tonight and bring any clothing that I can give away to them. I have too much and they have too little. I need to do something.
I want you to be here, I want to keep this going. You’re someone that I can run to when I need comfort, or come to when I want sex. You are the love of my life. And I’m sorry that things ended this way. If given the choice, I’d go back with you in a heartbeat. But this wasn’t my decision to begin with. This… friendship… we have now, it’s what I had wanted our relationship to be. I wanted to hangout as friends and fuck like a couple. And that’s what we’re doing. I hate it, because we were totally separated until I started seeing someone else. I told you I felt something for someone, and you cried. You cried and you drank and you listened to sad songs, and you told me that I was over you. You said “You said you would never get over me, but look at you. You are over me. You’ve been over me.”
You’re scared now because I’m leaving. You’re saying “But I’ll be alone.” I can’t help but feel that this was what you wanted. Why else would you leave me? Its as if you want me, but you don’t want to commit to me. And if so, I gave you the option to just keep things the way that they are and see other people as well. Which probably wouldn’t be entirely healthy for me. But in the grand scheme of things, I’d be happier just having you. Regardless though, you turned that down. And now you’re depressed and upset and jealous because I am moving on. And you’re pulling me back. And you know what? Its working. But I don’t know why you’re pulling me back. You wanted me to move forward, you wanted me to move on, and the moment that I do, you pull me back.
It doesn’t feel good, being alone, does it? I should know, you left me there in the cold all alone. One day you will feel the pain that you’ve brought to me. Well, you’ve already started to. But soon, you’ll want me back entirely. And honestly… I don’t know if I will say yes. I love you, but… maybe it is best for me to move on.
how can you deny me?
I don’t get what I have to do. I know you think I’m overemotional. But when we’re laying in bed together and you’re texting everyone and I’m just sitting there like a puppy waiting for your attention, I don’t think its wrong for me to be upset. You’re laying there and you’re too tired to talk to me, and too tired to do anything with me but everytime your phone makes a noise you quickly pick it up. How am I supposed to feel? Like I could be completely naked and on top of you and you’d still be picking up your phone to talk to whoever the fuck you’re talking to.
And that makes me feel like shit.
I hate this. I fucking hate this.